Not knowing is so tough
June 24, 2009
Another day in Dungun. This time I am here with Qeadi and Nizar and it should be a fun and exciting day. I am rather excited about this trip. Honestly, after a good night talk over wine with Kristy last night, lots of things came into place and a lot of my feelings have been isolated to a point where I can identify and control. Kristy told me that I have shown too much interest and also put too many of my cards on the table with Jon, and that I should hold my cards back. I only have a couple of cards and he has only thrown a few out. So this trip is a great trip out and this week I will be able to know if he actually cares. Yesterday after chatting online for a bit, he seemed quite distant. Well I suppose me saying that if he has no plans on Friday I would cook for him was a little too much. Maybe he feels that I am coming on too strong and getting too sticky. Maybe unknowingly I have become a little sticky. But I am just doing what someone who is infatuation do. If you like someone you want to spend as much time as you can with him. I suppose he doesn’t really like me that much if he doesn’t want to spend time with me. So, I am gonna start pulling back. As pull back from the table where Jon and I are dealing our cards I will get to know if he really cares and like me as much as I hope he would. If not then I know I should just back off.
In a way, somehow after last night, my heart was much lighter. I do not get a painful jab in the heart to think that he is sleeping with someone else. It seemed that I am more console knowing that if it is not meant to be then it is not meant to be. I know that I will be able to understand where I am and where I am going with this. He may not be doing anything with anyone else, but if he chooses to, who am I to say no. I am actually nothing to him at the moment. It has always been me and it was only me feeling the way I am. Gosh what Kristy said about me is so true. She said that I am always jumping and falling too hard too fast. I should hold back and play hard to get. And I suppose this is the time I am going to start. Kristy said it might be too late. I am not sure of anything now, but only time will tell. I am going to only text him before he flies to Hong Kong and it will read, “Have a safe trip. Know that I will miss you. I’ll see you when I see you. Till then, God bless. ”
I am so glad that in a way my heart is somehow lighter and less bogged down. Even lesser than before.
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