Ridiculous insanity and redemption of thoughts
June 21, 2009
In the midst of battling my own personal issues, I have sorta lost my sense of self. I think most of us when we are in a situation where we focus on trying to get out of the situation; we are bogged down with the consequences and the sorrows of the situation. Somehow, the light and the beauty of whatever we are in are not able to be seen nor able to penetrate into our hearts because we as human beings are so used to devouring our own sorrows and as a form of protection we hibernate in the our broken heart. As for me, I have come to realize that many a times, (especially while I am going through this situation that I am going through with J,) I fall into an emotional low because of unnecessary thoughts. Some are almost delusional that and of which my mind would make up. Being a hyper-sensitive, I have the tendency to feel more than I should, and when the emotional imbalances would hit me, whether be it positive or negative emotions, I would bring it to an extreme.
In the past couple of days, I have been rather bogged down by my feelings for J, and how I do not understand why I am falling for him so hard and so fast. It is so unconventional for me to fall for a guy like him. I’ve been told by many of my friends who know me very well, that J is not the kind of person I would usually go on a date with, or even have a second look at. My only reply to them was, I don’t know why, but it all came very naturally and unexpectedly. I, myself, was shocked by it as well. When I realized that I have developed feelings for him, I just do not know what to do. It was a little frustrating because we were just friends to begin with. Then, as time goes by, we have both talked about it, and he told me twice that he likes and fancies me, but just not ready to hop into a new relationship due to the fact that he has just gotten out of a 7 year relationship. I thought to myself, “fair enough.” Most of the guys I dated were rather plutonic, but with J, it seeped into my life like a thief in the night. I only realized I like him when I felt a pang of jealousy when he told me he was going out with another guy. Though he did tell me that they are just friends and nothing will ever happen, and that he is not into him and so forth and so on, my heart could not help feeling pinched because he is going out with another man. When that feeling occurred, I realized that I am in deep shit. Because, as my mom has always warned me, “William you need to be very careful with your heart because when you fall in love with someone you fall hard. You need to save a little for yourself, and not give it all,” I have fallen for him. The more I hang out with him, the more I realize I want him in my life.
So far, he has treated me well, and I know for a fact that he likes and fancies me too. We would spend time just chillin and we are happy with each other’s company. He would call me and in a way, I think he misses me at times too. I just wish that sometimes I know what he is thinking and how he sees me. Does he think of me while I am not around? In a way, my heart tells me that he is the one and that I should pursue, but at the same time, my mind is telling me to hold back and wait. The mind over heart matter is just so confusing. In that sense I have been so bogged down trying to control my emotions. I know he likes me but how much. Is it enough to develop feelings for me, or does he just sees me as a good friend whom he could sleep with? I just wish I know the answer to the question. It makes life much easier. But when we talked about it, he said, “I fancy you and like you if not I would not sleep with you. I just need some time to go and figure out what being single is like. I enjoy your company and what we have. I am not ready for a relationship, but I would like us to continue to have what we have without labeling it.” In a way, these two days I have sorta figured myself out, and after a nice chat with some friends last night, I realized that I can’t control how he feels about me, so I just have to accept and make peace with it. I like him, and I am not going to stop liking him. I will not push myself on him. If he really likes me, someday when I am not there, he would miss me, and want me around. And when that happens, I will be there. I will love him the same and not change what I have been doing for him, and with him, but at the same time, I am going to bring my focus back to my work, and in a way that would give me a chance to breathe. I just got too bogged down over matters that were not even there. Like if he really likes me and if it is going to work and all that nonsense. If he doesn’t like me, he wouldn’t call or care about me. If he doesn’t have feelings for me, and one can easily tell if the other person is not interested.
All in all, after this weekend, after figuring out my own insanity, I have come to realize that I just need to breathe and enjoy the roses. Because at the moment I have a bouquet of roses but I have been so bogged down over what if I get pricked by the thorns and being afraid to embrace it, and forgetting that someone has sent me the bouquet and just that alone is beautiful, and the roses are magnificent. It’s time for me to smell the roses. And it’s time for me just to enjoy having Jon in my life, and not looking at what if he doesn’t like me because he does.
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