The answer

 

I finally got the answer. He likes me and enjoys my company a lot but he is not falling in love with me. He does not have the head over heels feeling for me.

He does not see me.

Not knowing is so tough

June 24, 2009

 

Another day in Dungun. This time I am here with Qeadi and Nizar and it should be a fun and exciting day. I am rather excited about this trip. Honestly, after a good night talk over wine with Kristy last night, lots of things came into place and a lot of my feelings have been isolated to a point where I can identify and control. Kristy told me that I have shown too much interest and also put too many of my cards on the table with Jon, and that I should hold my cards back. I only have a couple of cards and he has only thrown a few out. So this trip is a great trip out and this week I will be able to know if he actually cares. Yesterday after chatting online for a bit, he seemed quite distant. Well I suppose me saying that if he has no plans on Friday I would cook for him was a little too much. Maybe he feels that I am coming on too strong and getting too sticky. Maybe unknowingly I have become a little sticky. But I am just doing what someone who is infatuation do. If you like someone you want to spend as much time as you can with him. I suppose he doesn’t really like me that much if he doesn’t want to spend time with me. So, I am gonna start pulling back. As pull back from the table where Jon and I are dealing our cards I will get to know if he really cares and like me as much as I hope he would. If not then I know I should just back off.

In a way, somehow after last night, my heart was much lighter. I do not get a painful jab in the heart to think that he is sleeping with someone else. It seemed that I am more console knowing that if it is not meant to be then it is not meant to be. I know that I will be able to understand where I am and where I am going with this. He may not be doing anything with anyone else, but if he chooses to, who am I to say no. I am actually nothing to him at the moment. It has always been me and it was only me feeling the way I am. Gosh what Kristy said about me is so true. She said that I am always jumping and falling too hard too fast. I should hold back and play hard to get. And I suppose this is the time I am going to start. Kristy said it might be too late. I am not sure of anything now, but only time will tell. I am going to only text him before he flies to Hong Kong and it will read, “Have a safe trip. Know that I will miss you. I’ll see you when I see you. Till then, God bless. ”

I am so glad that in a way my heart is somehow lighter and less bogged down. Even lesser than before.

Waiting for him . . .

June 23, 2009

The weekend has gone by. Saw Jon last night, stayed over and came to work. Asked if he wanted to watch Transformers with me, but he said he will have to see what the other guys (Marc Marc who also likes him and Leonard who also likes him) are going to do. He said before I asked they have already asked him. So, I was late to ask him. So I told him if I don’t see him this Friday then I will see him when he returns from Hong Kong. I told him if he has no plans on Friday I would like to cook for him since I promised him a home cooked meal, but he has not answered me since. Asked him on msn but he has not answered me. Guess he is too busy. Well if he doesn’t wanna hang out, then well he lost a chance to hang out with me. I think I am over thinking and over beating myself up over him too much. I need to start letting go of my emotions and not get too deep into it. I really do not know where this is going, but I gonna pull my horses. Hang in there and see how the story unfolds. And well, in the next two days when I am in Dungun I shall not think of him at all. I shall enjoy Dungun and concentrate on giving the best lecture in the world. If he does think of me, then he will text or call me. If I don’t see him this Friday, then I will see him when he wants to see me.

Ridiculous insanity and redemption of thoughts

June 21, 2009

 

In the midst of battling my own personal issues, I have sorta lost my sense of self. I think most of us when we are in a situation where we focus on trying to get out of the situation; we are bogged down with the consequences and the sorrows of the situation. Somehow, the light and the beauty of whatever we are in are not able to be seen nor able to penetrate into our hearts because we as human beings are so used to devouring our own sorrows and as a form of protection we hibernate in the our broken heart. As for me, I have come to realize that many a times, (especially while I am going through this situation that I am going through with J,) I fall into an emotional low because of unnecessary thoughts. Some are almost delusional that and of which my mind would make up. Being a hyper-sensitive, I have the tendency to feel more than I should, and when the emotional imbalances would hit me, whether be it positive or negative emotions, I would bring it to an extreme.

In the past couple of days, I have been rather bogged down by my feelings for J, and how I do not understand why I am falling for him so hard and so fast. It is so unconventional for me to fall for a guy like him. I’ve been told by many of my friends who know me very well, that J is not the kind of person I would usually go on a date with, or even have a second look at. My only reply to them was, I don’t know why, but it all came very naturally and unexpectedly. I, myself, was shocked by it as well. When I realized that I have developed feelings for him, I just do not know what to do. It was a little frustrating because we were just friends to begin with. Then, as time goes by, we have both talked about it, and he told me twice that he likes and fancies me, but just not ready to hop into a new relationship due to the fact that he has just gotten out of a 7 year relationship. I thought to myself, “fair enough.” Most of the guys I dated were rather plutonic, but with J, it seeped into my life like a thief in the night. I only realized I like him when I felt a pang of jealousy when he told me he was going out with another guy. Though he did tell me that they are just friends and nothing will ever happen, and that he is not into him and so forth and so on, my heart could not help feeling pinched because he is going out with another man. When that feeling occurred, I realized that I am in deep shit. Because, as my mom has always warned me, “William you need to be very careful with your heart because when you fall in love with someone you fall hard. You need to save a little for yourself, and not give it all,” I have fallen for him. The more I hang out with him, the more I realize I want him in my life.

So far, he has treated me well, and I know for a fact that he likes and fancies me too. We would spend time just chillin and we are happy with each other’s company. He would call me and in a way, I think he misses me at times too. I just wish that sometimes I know what he is thinking and how he sees me. Does he think of me while I am not around? In a way, my heart tells me that he is the one and that I should pursue, but at the same time, my mind is telling me to hold back and wait. The mind over heart matter is just so confusing. In that sense I have been so bogged down trying to control my emotions. I know he likes me but how much. Is it enough to develop feelings for me, or does he just sees me as a good friend whom he could sleep with? I just wish I know the answer to the question. It makes life much easier. But when we talked about it, he said, “I fancy you and like you if not I would not sleep with you. I just need some time to go and figure out what being single is like. I enjoy your company and what we have. I am not ready for a relationship, but I would like us to continue to have what we have without labeling it.” In a way, these two days I have sorta figured myself out, and after a nice chat with some friends last night, I realized that I can’t control how he feels about me, so I just have to accept and make peace with it. I like him, and I am not going to stop liking him. I will not push myself on him. If he really likes me, someday when I am not there, he would miss me, and want me around. And when that happens, I will be there. I will love him the same and not change what I have been doing for him, and with him, but at the same time, I am going to bring my focus back to my work, and in a way that would give me a chance to breathe. I just got too bogged down over matters that were not even there. Like if he really likes me and if it is going to work and all that nonsense. If he doesn’t like me, he wouldn’t call or care about me. If he doesn’t have feelings for me, and one can easily tell if the other person is not interested.

All in all, after this weekend, after figuring out my own insanity, I have come to realize that I just need to breathe and enjoy the roses. Because at the moment I have a bouquet of roses but I have been so bogged down over what if I get pricked by the thorns and being afraid to embrace it, and forgetting that someone has sent me the bouquet and just that alone is beautiful, and the roses are magnificent. It’s time for me to smell the roses. And it’s time for me just to enjoy having Jon in my life, and not looking at what if he doesn’t like me because he does.

Maybe he’s just not into me

Well I’m not the type
To hand my heart over
Thought I was stronger
So I’m wonderin’ why
I can’t shake this feeling
Look what you’re doing to me

No I’m not the type, not the type
To move in too quickly 
Whenever you’re near me
I just can’t deny
The way that I’m feeling
I don’t know what happens to me
I get nervous, I get breathless
When you’re here next to me and

[chorus]
Some people wait for a lifetime
To feel like this baby
They keep waiting
So lets take a chance
While it’s here, while we can
We can make it
But don’t keep me waiting for you

On you

Well, it’s Friday night
I just tried to call you
I wonder where you are
Is everything alright
I wanna be with you
I wish I could reach you
I wish I could see you right now
I’m so anxious I don’t wanna loose you
Or loose what we have cause

[chorus]
Some people wait for a lifetime
To feel like this baby
They keep waiting
So lets take a chance
While it’s here, while we can
We can make it
But don’t keep me waiting for you

Some people wait
Thinking someday they’ll find
Somethin’ better
But I’m not afraid of making mistakes
So I’ll, I’ll take my chance

Some people wait for a life time
To feel like this baby
They keep waiting
So lets take a chance while it’s here
We can make it
So don’t keep me waiting

[chorus]
Some people wait for a lifetime
To feel like this baby
They keep waiting
So lets take a chance
While it’s here, while we can
We can make it
So don’t keep me waiting for you

For you

 

It feel like I keep waiting for J. And just feel that he is just not into me…